New clothing line supporting St. Martin/Sint Maarten

Post #Irma a whole lot of folks lost their businesses in SXM, so here's your chance to get one lady back in the game! https://lovethisisland.com/

Book Sale

Happy Bay, the first book in the Happy Bay novel trilogy is on sale for just $2.99 @Amazon #Kindle edition. Move to the beach, fall in love, and never return.Click here to order

Nine signs it is time to come back to St. Martin

1. You don’t like the looks of that sky.

If you are lucky, there will be no rain, sleet, or snow coming out of those grey clouds. We specialize in blue skies and it rains mostly late at night here, if at all.

2. Vitamin D withdrawal (sunshine)

Ah, that brilliant golden orb, bathing your skin in warmth and natural vitamins. If you look outside and wonder where it went; look no further. We have it right here.

3. You are craving sand gravity

The term “sand gravity” is a well-known phrase with our regulars; that feeling you get when you settle into your beach chair and decide to cancel your plans for the rest of the day. Incidentally, wouldn’t that have made a great ending for the movie Gravity if Sandra Bullock crawled up onto the shores of Club Orient? Whoa! Is this earth?

4. Your friends at work just don’t understand

I’m referring to annoying your colleagues with stories from your last vacation to the point where they can't stand you anymore and hide when they see you coming.

5. You’re cold

Really cold. Always cold. Waking up cold. Going through your day cold. Going to bed cold. Wondering if your furnace thermostat is lying to you. Wearing so many layers of clothing, your laundry pile is doubled from the summer months. At least it’s warm by the dryer.

6. You can’t get off the internet

You belong to six St. Martin Facebook groups and follow thirty-five like pages. It may seem obsessive to some, but you quietly explain it keeps you from looking out your window.

7. Culinary frustration

Try as you might, you just can’t make the same croissants and baguettes you have come to love here at home, so you ask for them at the supermarket, where they look at you like you are nuts. You confirm this when you leave the place, screaming obscenities.

8. You engage in pirate fantasies

The bottle of rum you brought back home is empty. Anguish ensues. You look for a parrot that will perch on your shoulder in pet stores. They can’t stop laughing.

9. You are dreading the holidays

People ask what your menu for Thanksgiving and Christmas is going to be and you answer Johnny cakes, conch fritters, and grilled shrimp. They make other plans, believing you may be losing your mind.

If you are exhibiting at least three of these signs or symptoms, it is time to come back. Don’t delay! Book a trip now and get some relief!

9 places to visit in St. Martin/St. Maarten

1. Orient Beach

Our most popular beach, Orient has it all, from watersports to skinny dipping. Whether you like it quiet or lively, an area to suit your tastes only requires a hand-in-hand walk along the shore with your loved one.

2. Maho Beach

World famous for its proximity to the airport, you can enjoy the beach scene with planes flying in just over your head, or watch them from the comfort of the open air Sunset Bar and Grille. They also offer a daily drink special (we won’t mention the details). Just go and see for yourself.

3. Happy Bay

A short hike over the hill next to Friar’s Bay, Happy Bay is secluded, serene, and quite beautiful. The beach is shared by a handful of boaters and uninhibited sun worshippers on weekdays, and is a favorite of locals on the weekends (please be mindful of families on the weekends).

4. Grand Case

Located on the French side and a stone’s throw from Orient Bay, Grand Case is the place for world-class restaurants, curio shops, and breathtaking sunsets. Take it all in with a walk down this narrow boulevard and dine at a lolo or gourmet restaurant. Grand Case epitomizes French village charm.

5. Fort Louis

Overlooking the French capital of Marigot and constructed in 1767 to protect against foreign invaders, this landmark offers a stunning view and is well worth the hike. Bring your camera.

6. Orient Village

Located behind Orient Beach, a group of restaurants surround a village square featuring entertainment and shopping expos on select nights. Gourmet cuisine and an old-world French atmosphere make for a relaxing and romantic dinner date.

7. Shopping in Philipsburg

Let’s face it guys, there is going to be a shopping day, and the best place for it is this Dutch capital city. There are shops galore due to the cruise ship port, and island apparel, jewelry, electronics, and hard-to-find libations are all readily available at deep discount prices. If your spouse wants to look over virtually everything, you can kick up your heels at a waterfront bar and people watch until she gets her fill.

8. Cupecoy Beach

This beach comes and goes with the tides, but this does not stop frequent visitors from making Cupecoy their daily destination. Surf pounding the cliffs of Cupecoy make for postcard-quality photos, but be mindful of the beach patrons when taking them (you will see why).

9. Dutch side nightlife

A drive down the main drag beginning at Maho and leading into Philipsburg offers virtually every type of cuisine and entertainment. Casinos, discos, and a piano bar, are among the many attractions designed to keep your motor running well into the night.

St. Martin also offers zip-lining, hiking, a butterfly farm, and smaller island day-trips (just to name a few). If you are not already addicted to a beach and want to get out and explore, most hotels have flyers, pamphlets and a staff who are eager to help you find new places of interest.

SxM Life SummerTrip 2k15

Author Page here

Need an idea for a beach read this summer?

Vacation season is here... Need an idea for your beach read?Click on the pic ;)

Posted by Happy Bay Book Series amazon.com/author/tstelma on Thursday, July 9, 2015

Take a trip over the border and explore French St. Martin

In responses to my Facebook posts from our island adventures, it became apparent to me that an old friend who has been to the island many more times than I had never really gotten out and explored everything “the rock” has to offer. She and her husband had never taken the hike to Happy Bay, never climbed to the top of Fort Louis to take in the spectacular view of Marigot, and never enjoyed the fine cuisine found in Marigot, Grand Case, and Orient Village. “You are missing out,” I told her. Although the Dutch side holds many attractions all its own, the French side experience is decidedly more European in its culture and “feel” (do I state the obvious?).

For us, a trip to Port de la Royale is mandatory for a late lunch after spending a beach day at Baie Rouge or Cupecoy. Just a short walk from a spacious parking area, it is tucked into the Simpson Bay Lagoon where Marigot “proper” begins. A three-sided boardwalk surrounds the end of the lagoon with a large number of restaurants. You have your choice of open-air dining or inside dining at most (if not all) establishments. A beautiful young lady or entertaining gentleman waits outside each one to draw you in to sample their respective cuisines.

Take a table near the docks and relax as the dinghies bring in folks from their yachts, or enjoy the people watching as others stroll the boardwalk. We like to debate whether the impeccably dressed woman casually walking by is a celebrity or famous model…you never know who may show up there.

The variety of dining choices is near endless, from lobster-stuffed chicken filet to submarine sandwiches (on banquette of course); we have never been disappointed on our visits to this port.

Once you exit the Marigot area, you will encounter rolling hills and pastures with grazing cows, along with goats and chickens carefully navigating the edge of the roads. Look for a left turn just past the small airport to arrive in Grand Case, a wonderful area with a lively street scene. There is parking available in a large lot and the narrow avenue is resplendent with restaurants and shops; again, an excellent opportunity to stroll and take in the French Island culture. The variety of epicurean delights is far greater than you might expect, with fine French cuisine to simple, yet tasty (and completely affordable) grilled fish, chicken, and ribs found at the outdoor Lolos that overlook the Grand Case beach.

Any establishment on the water offers a spectacular sunset; it is a good opportunity to take photos of your significant others with a breathtaking backdrop. Some places are energetic and crowded with locals, while others are quietly sophisticated. You can peruse the menus on signs posted outside most restaurants to decide what you are in the mood for while browsing the merchandise in an artist’s studio or learning to make your own perfume. Grand Case is a must-do every time we visit St. Martin.

Another area we favor is Orient Village, where we always feel we have been transported to a small town somewhere in France. The large courtyard behind the Orient Beach resorts features just a few restaurants with a great variety of cultural specialties and some of the friendliest staff you will ever encounter anywhere. Sit back and enjoy the open-air dining while watching the progress of a game of Pétanque on the gravel quad or listening to live music (not loud) on a stage in the center of this square. A completely relaxing and delightful “old world” experience.

I have since convinced my friend to stray from their timeshare on the Dutch side and get out and enjoy everything French St. Martin has to offer. There is much more to explore than simply Orient Beach for a day trip. Bon Appétit my friends!

Tim Stelma, contributing writer and author of the Happy Bay Novel series.

 click here to find out more about the Happy Bay book series

Island Reading

amazon.com/author/tstelma

Kindle is King

Kindle is still the king of eBooks and Amazon is the place to find the Happy Bay Book Trilogy. You can locate all three on my Amazon Author Page:amazon.com/author/tstelma

International Review

Here is a nice review from a St. Martin resident on the Happy Bay Book Series.
Click for review
Available worldwide online. All formats of eBook and softcover.
How to Order

This is not a paid celebrity endorsement

Another satisfied customer. Thanks Kim!

Today at 6:32pm
Just finished the third and final book in the Happy Bay Series. Here is the absolute truth. I first bought all of them because T. Stelma is my best friend's cousin and I wanted to support his efforts. But when I started the first book, I was hooked. I'm a very diligent reader and read many books a week. These books have everything you could want. Suspense, murder, fashion, sex and rock and roll! And at such a reasonable price (underpriced if you ask me). So, go out and buy these books! You'll be glad you did. And you'll be impatiently waiting for him to write more. I'm not gonna lie, I was happily surprised. I don't know why since I know Tim is a creative guy, but I was. Make these books part of your summer reading. Don't miss out!

Links to eBooks and paperback

Great local video.

Happy in SXM

Happy Bay book series

A review of Sandy Ground from a trusted source.

Here's a review from St. Maarten and St. Martin Weekly News:

"Ilene may be the most avid reader you might ever hope to meet. She devours 300-page books in a day. When we asked her some time ago to be our official reader of author Tim Stelma's trilogy of St. Maarten-related books, she quickly agreed.
After reading the climactic third book in the series, titled Sandy Ground, Ilene said she loved it and looks forward to his next books.
"I couldn't put it down," she said. "It's a follow-up to his second book, Cole Bay, incorporating the same characters. It's a mystery loaded with twists and turns that you will never expect, making it riveting. Any reader will love it."
You can find it available on Amazon (and everywhere else online).

How to order

Beach reads

I know what a lot of folks in St. Martin are going to be reading on the beach next week. Sandy Ground. If you can't make it to the beach just yet, lose yourself in this trio of island adventures from the comfort of your home. $8.97 gets you all three eBooks. www.happybaynovel.com has all the links for whatever tablet you might have.

Number #1

Sandy Ground is #1 in romantic Caribbean suspense-mystery-action with a little beach whoopee (okay, so I created my own category).
www.happybaynovel.com

quick links

My muse.www.happybaynovel.com

Here is a live webcam link to the world famous clothing optional Orient Beach, setting for the novel Happy Bay.

Orient Beach Webcam

Amazon author page

Kindle editions of Happy Bay and Cole Bay Band are $2.99@

A non-swingers experience at Hedo III (before they closed)

Click for information on my novels

Hedo III Trip Report 2007

First of all, I'm not going to bore you with every detail. Let it suffice to say that we rode a plane, we rode a bus. We ate good food, we drank good drinks, and we slept in a clean room, blah de blah blah. Let's get down to business.

Saturday

We didn't get in until around 5:30 p.m. and our surroundings looked typical enough at check in. Beyond the lobby was an outdoor area featuring a large square tile bar. People stood or sat around the bar drinking and conversing. Some were in swimsuits, others in resort wear. Nothing unusual here, I surmised. Once we got situated in our room, I urged P to get back out on the grounds so we could get the lay of the land before it got dark. She obliged and we walked around to get an idea of where the restaurants were. That didn't take long, so we returned to the aforementioned bar for a drink and began to wonder about dinner. Alas, it would not be served for another hour so we ventured towards the nude area, which our room overlooked. The hot tub was chock full of people, all naked, most of them dancing to the piped in Jamaican disco music. A young clean shaven blonde was particularly visible, waving her arms over her head with more of her body being out of the tub than in. Okay, maybe this place is not so ordinary.

After dinner we headed back to the same area and found things had settled down quite a bit. We stripped and got in the hot tub, which now contained only three other couples. They were all engaging in sexual activity of one sort or another. One pair of couples managed at least three combinations of partners in the 20 some minutes we were in there. While P explored the possibilities offered by different placement of her feet in and out of the tub, one of the woman fixed her gaze upon me, her face devoid of expression as her husband (or his friend) worked her over. Their routine almost seemed choreographed, as if they were re-enacting a scene from their favorite adult film. It made it hard to concentrate…almost. That was the closest we got to group sex.

It was time for a shower. Either it was a little humid, or the plane ride had let me feeling sticky, or the thought of vastly diluted love juices of a dozen or so people on my skin made the shower now seem mandatory. The shower possessed the velocity of a power washer. How appropriate, I thought as I lathered while watching the continuing love-fest from the knees-to-ceiling shower window. Whether they were watching me bathe, I do not know and do not care, but I guess that is the point of the window.

Now cleansed of our sins, we headed back down to the Dining/Terrace/Main stage area and got our first look at the entertainment crew (E/C). They strutted their stuff one by one on stage, giving everyone a healthy shot in the libido. The men were muscular and limber and the women were of several physical types, from the sleek slender curves of a Nubian Princess, to the well rounded curves of an "I like big butts" style music video girls. They were all appealing in their own way, the men being a little more indefinable than the women…even to P. There was one male entertainer that was easily identified as a complete diva, kind of a muscular version of Miss Jay on America's Next Top Model. Very gay. Something for everyone I suppose.

Then it was off to Karaoke at the Piano bar, where P enthralled the crowd with her hit "These boots" and I warbled a little Barry White. P's performance garnered more praise than mine and rightfully so. I was just getting warmed up. It was, after all, only our first night.

When things began to settle down at the piano bar we ventured out into the night and managed to find our way up to the disco after some consternation concerning its entrance. Once inside we encountered a lingerie clad mob undulating to the pulsing beat. Four women wearing next to nothing were putting on a show on top of the bar to the enjoyment of the other patrons. Their actions were being meticulously recorded with a camera by a man in their company. More about them later. I leaned over to P and exclaimed "We have just been dropped into the jaws of Hell!" It was quite a scene.

It had been a long day, so we didn't last long there. We bedded down for the night with the sounds of a nude pool party below us (lingering until around5:00 a.m.by P's account). I slept through it all. Our first seven hours were eye-opening to say the least, but my eyes were going to be shut for awhile.

Sunday

After breakfast P reserved the last two chairs in the nude pool area. They were the farthest from the pool and would be in the shade of palm trees all day. Not the best of situations. I asked about the nude beach area "Packed," she replied. So we got our towels and headed for the "prude pool" also known as the quad pool because it is surrounded by rooms in four buildings. We were thrilled to see a combination of nudes and prudes there, and not many of either; a much better environment than being packed onto a patio like a can of nude sardines. This is where we would swim and sun for the rest of the week, as well as make the acquaintance of many non-swingers. Just good old naked and non-naked folks like us. Single guys, girls, and couples of all ages, and most of them friendly. We managed to miss all the day's activities somehow, although we did look them over on the schedule handout.

After getting good and sweaty, we retreated back to our room and made occasional forays back to the nude pool area for food and drink. Every time we would go through, a sexual act of some kind was in progress. We began to check out the action occasionally from the picture window or our shower to find out what they were up to now. The area soon became known to us as the "erotic aquarium"; like having one full of really horny fish in your living room.

We wandered around the complex some more, ate, took some sunset pictures and eventually ended up back at the Terrace, where P participated in the "Battle of the Sexes" contest. I was nursing an injury and declined, fearing there would be some physical aspect that I would not be able to perform (or strip naked on stage, which I was not ready for either). During the course of this show, P got hit on by a teenager (who was there with his dad???) that ended up following her around for the next two days. She also had to grab the crotch of an Italian Stallion looking guy, who was wearing a t-shirt and underpants and appeared to have a football sized package. P had to simulate as many sexual positions as possible in 15 seconds with a third guy. They lost. 

But overall, I think she did walk away with a bottle of Rum, the first of five to be snagged this week.

 Then it was back to the piano bar for sing-a-long night. Packed with people with some interesting outfits, but the entertainment was kind of boring. We drank up and headed back into the disco, where it was “leather and lace night”. Most interesting was a leather clad female leading her mate around with a leash. She carried a whip and a smug smile; he had a spiked collar and not much else on. We took it to the nude pool and got some drinks to go and called it a night.

Monday

Another day at the pool. Started to see some familiar faces, a group of women who were there without mates and with suits on, A quiet guy that just laid in his lounge chair alone, a nude couple that sunned on a deck far above the pool that would climb down the steps into the pool and share a raft every hour or so. Fairly quiet Jamaican disco played from the swim up bar. I would periodically fill our sports bottles with water and talk to the bartender, who was always dancing to the beat. She was adorable.

For lunch we both tried Ackee and Saltfish, which is the National Dish of Jamaica. After a few bites I reasoned that the national after lunch pastime is picking fish bones out of your mouth. P wouldn't eat hers at all. We found out a little later that the Nude Beach Grill had the best food. Who'd a thunk it?

We had a little interlude at dusk in a lounge chair at the nude pool. I enjoyed a cigarette while P enjoyed something else. A nude woman walked by and stopped to say; "I just wanted to tell you that you two are hot!" Instead of the customary "Would you like to join us?" we simply said thank you and she moved on to greener pastures. That was the closest we got to a threesome.

Later on we watched a steel band at the Terrace. I watched them set up with dread, I can't stand this genre of music. It always sounds out of tune to me. However, the front man for this group played like a jazz artist. He had a deft touch and played with great confidence and flair. He was an older guy that reminded me a lot of…well, of me.

After the show we watched the Hedo III circus, which consisted of four guys, a white guy that was very good and three Jamaicans who were not so good. They did balancing, juggling, and trapeze work. There were party games afterward, pass the grapefruit, bowling pin, etc. after that. Our team one and we received two more bottles of rum.

Later at the short shorts party at the disco, P fulfilled her fantasy of being trapped in a cage with a wild half-naked island native. I was pulled onto the dance floor by E/C girl Ivory, who gave me a booty shaking upright lap dance, Jamaican style. Wasn't a fantasy of mine, but it didn't suck either.

Not long after, we had sex with the two of them on the dance floor. Our bodies moved rhythmically to the throbbing Disco beat as the crowd encircled us chanting and cheering. Or maybe we went back to our room and fell asleep. I can't remember which.

Tuesday

Tuesday featured an erotic body painting contest, but it didn't happen at the scheduled time so we only saw the results and were not painted ourselves. The theme for the evening was "pajama party" and the E/C put on a lingerie fashion show that was entertaining and erotic. One guy came out with a giant rubber "tool" that was a hit with the ladies. It was toss-up who was hotter on the ladies end; Ivory, Chardonnay, or P of course.

 It was apparent to me by now that at least a dozen men were hopelessly in love with P, including some of the staff at Hedo III. She was frequently stopped by men who complimented her on her outfit or beauty, the wives of some of the guests would repeat their husband’s admiration to me, and the staff photographer who easily sees over five thousand women per year there admitted his love for her. This could be attributed to her remarkable god-given physical attributes, but the smile in her eyes, her outgoing and uninhibited nature, and the absolute absence of any pretense whatsoever in her manner has much more to do with it than her physical beauty. The first mentioned quality was a surprise to me when we first came together, but these others qualities are what drew me to her as a long-term relationship.

Later on at the Disco, P got her dance groove on with a couple more black men, including the Diva Spike. It was pajama party night. The outfits on the guests and staff were pretty delightful.

Wednesday

An interesting day to be sure. I dropped out of the pool volleyball game, due to a pulled stomach muscle and P filled in for me. After a few games, the entertainment girls showed up with a PA and hosted a booty shaking contest. Ivory and Chardonnay did their thing on a tile table with a fountain at water top level, followed by P and a couple other guests. P was nude and straddled the fountain at one point, diverting and strengthening the fountain in such a way that it appeared she had swallowed a fire hose and the torrent of pressurized water was now shooting out of her rear end. I think it is safe to say her southern end was clean as a whistle after that dance. Sorry, no picture. I didn't want to bring the camera into the pool.

Body shots at the swim up bar followed with the girls going first. They sat on the bar and leaned back as the men licked the booze off their skin. Some of us were more thorough than others. When it was the men's turn, P was most meticulous in getting every drop of booze off of every part of me. Her attention to a particular area prompted the emcee to say "No eating of the sausage!" I looked around and saw that I wasn't the only one getting the special treatment. Ivory, who was next to me helping a single guy participate started smacking me in the arm over what P was doing. I shrugged it off, telling her it wasn't my idea. When the girls dismounted, Ivory splashed water from the pool on me to remove the already removed booze and perhaps calm down the sausage. I told her I would be alright in a minute or so. If there was a moment where we could safely say we had become true hedonists, I believe it would be that one.

The theme for the night was Pimps and Ho's. P was a memorable Ho, but being too cheap to invest in a pimp costume, I chose a Mexican theme similar to Harvey Keitel's outfit in the movie "Taxi Driver". This prompted one staff member to inquire whether I was a pimp or a ho. Oh well…at least I saved a few bucks.

P elected not to participate in the Pimps and Ho's competition, saying she didn't want to go through all the physical aspects or strip down for the crowd. The guests that did participate were narrowed down to one man and woman, who were asked for their last task to cross dress into the other's character. The Pimp made a bee-line for P and asked her for her top and boa. So much for not stripping down. P obliged and gave up the articles and watched the conclusion of the show topless. The guy won by a landslide.

Later on at the piano bar's second Karaoke night, I rapped "Getting Jiggy Wit It" from memory. This impressed many of the guests and staff. Although P's rise to fame had been meteoric, my own ascent to fame would rely on talent and time. I felt like my own star was finally beginning to rise. At one point I went to the bathroom and when I came back to my seat I found P now standing on the piano singing "I'm a Soul Man" (of all things). Apparently Chardonnay had felt badly that "These Boots" was already taken and dragged P up to sing a song that Chardonnay felt P could cover. And cover it well she did, although it was a bit strange watching a well endowed woman in a see-through top singing the line "I'm a Soul Man" over and over again.

It was very warm in the disco that night, so we retreated outside where P skinny dipped in the Terrace area pool while I chatted it up with the 5 women that had been at the quad pool with us every day. Sufficiently cooled down, P and I returned to the disco where she danced while I stood at the bar watching. P never bothered to put her outfit back on.

There was a guy in the disco that had a full blown shit fit when I took a picture of him dancing on top of the bar with Ivory. He was in a complete panic, demanding that I delete the picture immediately while he watched. I tried to explain to him that the switch was broken and my wife could manage to flip it with a safety pin, but I was unable to do so myself. He stormed away and sent an E/C girl over to me who I explained the whole process to again outside the door. She tried to flip the switch herself for a couple of minutes, then asked me; "Is your wife the one dancing naked on the box?" I said yes and she told me she would tell the guy I had erased the picture. We looked at the picture back in the room and the guy was pulling Ivory's top away from her skin so he could get a better look at her breasts. This did not seem like an adequate reason to throw a shit-fit, so I came up with three other plausible theories:

1.      His wife was asleep in the room and didn't know he had left.

2.      His wife was back home in Iowa, believing he was on a week-long golf outing in Florida with his buddies.

3.      He is wanted by the police in at least one state.

After all the pictures taken by dozens of people of women and men wearing nothing or next to nothing, I never would have thought that that one would get somebody so upset. Poor Baby! I feel sorry for whoever it is you're screwing over.

Thursday

On this day we learned how to make a toga outfit and I rehearsed with the band for that night's Staff and Guest Talent Show. The rest of the day was spent at the pool where we talked with the single girls some more, along with a guy who's wife had left him when he booked the trip and another guy who was spending most of his time smoking pot and sleeping in his room.

After considerable effort and modifications, we managed to assemble our togas and headed down to dinner and a show at the Terrace. During the toga contest, the emcee called us "Mom and Pop". I guess the eyeglasses didn't help much either. Not very Roman.

There were three guests who participated in the talent show. I was first, and sang and played "Mustang Sally". It hadn't occurred to me during the rehearsal that I would later be performing in a toga. I spent the whole song wondering if my testicles were hanging out, I could feel the breeze blowing down there as I played and sang. The audience cheered at the end of my guitar solo. That may well have been the first time I got an audience response in mid song. (besides getting up and walking out). That took my mind off the testicular ventilation.

There were two other guest performers; a drummer from New York that always wanted to play with a real reggae band and a female singer, who was one of the four posers that kept popping into places for revealing photo ops and then quickly leaving. She had the emcee warn the crowd that there was to be no videotaping or photography during her performance. This made little sense to me since she had been flashing her boobs and butt all over the place all week. She sang a ballad that started out pretty well, but one of her "bodyguards" stopped the Hedo photographer from taking pictures during her first verse. So she isn't going to sing naked…. She thinks she's Celine-F*cking-Dion. As she got farther into the song it turned into something you normally hear from an American Idol contestant that is about to be shown the door. She appeared quite miffed when the audience did not react with wild enthusiasm over her performance. Sorry Celine…I smoked your ass. That's show biz baby.

P won a bottle of rum for doing something on stage that can't for the life of me remember. We came in second at the toga contest, but that means very little since there was only one other couple on stage with us.

P expressed discomfort with her toga, so I quickly modified into something more to her (and everyone else's) liking. Boob cradling ropes is the best I can describe it.

Next stop; the piano bar (getting a sense of the routine now?). We did a lot of talking with the other guests and found out the 4 wannabe vixens were from a girl on girl introduction website where the guys can only watch. That "club" must have accounted for 50% of the guests that week. Gee, what a surprise to find out these photo ops are actually staged. I'll give up the name of the website on request if anybody is willing to pay to see if P turns up on it. I am not willing to do so. We have our own pictures.

Later on, my slave girl performed pole dances on top of the bar in the disco. I have pictures, but am keeping them to myself. They were meant only for her Master.

Friday

We had breakfast with David, one of the E/C crew who described in great detail how to make porridge (as if I'm going to run home and make some orange colored oatmeal). He was very nice and only a little gay. He recalled P's second toga from the night before with fondness.

P declared we would spend the whole day in the sun by the pool which we did. I wore a t shirt over my chest, which was getting pretty crispy by now.

We left the pool only to watch the wet t-shirt contest at the Terrace stage. P got dry humped by Ebony despite being only a spectator (her skirt pushed up to her chest in the process), but we left before its conclusion. One of the web vixens told us she won and probably rightfully so. She possessed a fine set of ta-ta's. It was difficult to say whether they were God given or not. P said fake, I said real. P was done participating in events by then.

After dinner, I was forced onstage to participate in a reggae dance lesson/contest. I suck at dancing and this style was no exception. When that ended, David told me to stay on the stage and sit down. Five other guys were rounded up ranging in age from mid-twenties to around fifty and the emcee announced the Hedo Ultimate Hunk Contest. Now this was going to be a tough one. The contest consisted mostly of questions, which worked in my favor, being a smart-ass and all. I also had the advantage of being the last one to be asked to say or do anything each time.

When the emcee asked why we thought we should be named Ultimate Hunk, I replied: "I have no idea what I'm doing up here right now".

When she asked a question about Jamaican history I guessed an answer correctly (we missed that lecture).

Then they brought a woman up from the audience for us to use our best pickup line on, the first guy was incoherent. He had been drunk at the pool five hours before and was in even worse shape now. He was also the only guy within two decades of my age. Anyways, my pick-up line was: "I am Jon Bon Jovi's road manager". That one even cracked up the emcee.

When asked to imitate the sounds of an orgasm, I borrowed a line from Andrew Dice Clay: "Uhhh. Get out!" The emcee responded: "That wasn't very nice!" through her laughter.

Then we had to do push-ups with E/C girl Ebony lying on top of us. Some guys were impressive, managing twenty or more. She took one look at me and got on the floor to do the push-ups herself. I told her I was injured and would not be able to do any, so we clowned our way through that one.

The last part required us to put on a show of some kind individually (this usually involves getting naked and dancing). The drunken guy whipped off his clothes and threw them into the crowd. When it got to my turn I took off my shirt and made some muscle poses until a trick came back to me from long ago. I grabbed my inner left thigh in two places around ten inches apart and moved the muscle rhythmically. It took the crowd a few seconds to realize it looked like I was holding on to a 12 inch by 3 inch wide penis. David lost it completely, running up to the stage and collapsing on it in a fit of laughter. I then turned and jiggled my bare buns for a few seconds, the obligatory skin show without the full frontal (I didn't want to destroy the illusion I had just created).

When the crowd cheered me into victory at the judging, it occurred to me that I had a rooting section of all the people we had met over the course of the week. In the six days prior we had become a neighborhood, a subdivision of non-swingers who had conversations and learned about each other while the swingers were off to the group gropes at the pool or taking touchy feely pictures of each other in suite parties.

We went to the piano bar for a little while, and then had one more round of nude pool whoopee in public before calling it a night.

We dragged our exhausted but happy bodies off to the bus and airport the next day at eleven a.m. It had been one hell of a week.

For those of you reading this that have religious convictions and find our behavior too heathen, you are welcome to pray for us. Indeed, we were very naughty, but not nearly as naughty as we could have been. Perhaps we both deserve a good spanking. We will administer one to each other tonight in penance for our deeds.

Happy Bay and Cole Bay Band Novels

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