10 reasons why you should never visit St. Martin

1. That brutal sunshine.

That cloud in the distance hasn’t moved in four hours! I went a month back home without seeing the sun once. How can you possibly expect me to adjust to this?

2. No consistency to accommodations.

I wanted an ocean high rise and got one. What is with all these quaint charming places with amazing views? Stop confusing me here!

3. The food prices are outrageous.

A full plate of grilled ribs, four sides, and a Carib for $13 bucks? You have got to be kidding me! And while we’re on the subject, what the heck is a Carib?

4. Too many beaches.

Look, when I book a vacation, I want to have a single beach to call my own. I don’t like hearing there are 30 or so others I need to visit. And the water is way too blue. I think they put food coloring in it.

5. There are pirates everywhere.

Mean, nasty, evil pirates, slogging down every drop of rum on the island. And it costs a third of what I pay back home, so they must want them here (hic).

6. Seriously, what’s so exciting about sitting on a beach and watching planes land?

OMG! I thought that one was going to take off my head! I better take cover at the bar. And why are all the woman at this bar topless? Egad!

7. Not enough fast food.

What’s with all this grilled snapper, lobster, and prime rib? I shouldn’t have to drive more than a mile for a whopper.

8. While we’re on the subject of beaches, one of them is full of naked people!

Heathens! I went there once just to see it with my own eyes. Okay, I went there six times.

9. Those annoying sunsets.

Every night, it’s like a rainbow exploded in my face. I swear they’re going to trigger a seizure eventually.

10. Excessive smiling.

All this friendliness from all these different cultures, all getting along so well is unnerving. These people must be up to something. There is definitely something sinister behind those grins.

Oh, and one more thing. Unnecessary diversions!

Watersports, excursions to neighboring islands, and hiking to secluded beaches is just too much for one vacation. Now we have to come back again. Dammit!